I Hate… Feeeeeelings!!!

It’s funny how some things sit with you. Things that you tend to dwell upon for hours and hours. Or, at least I do.

I think I’ve been afflicted by the curse of rumination. You know, chew and chew and chew on a piece of meat that you just can’t swallow because you’re not quite sure if you’ll choke upon it. And then, as the case is with me, I’ll take all that “stuff” that’s going on inside my head and spit it out on this blog of mine… maybe that’s why they call it a “blog,” because it sounds much like the noise you make when you’re throwing up.

I often joke that seminary marked the end of me, not because it represented death of an old life and rebirth into a new one… nope, it was the end of me because it forced me to write all of these stupid essays talking about my “feelings” and forcing me to unpack why I was reacting this way or that. And for those of you who ask why I call it an end, well, let’s just say I’m in the office past when I really need to be here writing this entry when I could be home playing NCAA Football or hanging out with Fat Cat Toonces. My former life of fun and frivolity… over.

I didn’t use to do this. I’m serious. I actually used to be fun to be around. But then seminary and CPM (Committee on Preparation for Ministry) had to go and soften me up (or maybe screw me up) by making me talk and write about my upbringing and my familial role and my tendency to project and blah blah blah.  And the cruel joke of it is that a part of me… the sadistic part of me… has carried on the habit and I’m now writing what is often a blog of self-loathing for all of three people to read.

What the flip?

Of course, I actually do love posting on this blog. I suppose the hard part about it, though, is when I know I have something to say and I just can’t say it. Or, in this case, I know anxiety is brewing, but I can’t name the source. And so I end up rambling on much like an episode of Seinfold, producing something that really is about nothing.

I mean, surely you three know what I’m talking about, right? No? Oh, well… at least I’ve got Sour Patch Kids in my backseat. Gosh I love those things.

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~ by presbytide on December 29, 2009.

One Response to “I Hate… Feeeeeelings!!!”

  1. Ah, feelings.

    I hate that my blog sometimes involves an upchuck of my current emotional state and I also secretly love having an outlet for emotional upchucking. I suppose it just comes with the territory of blogging.

    I say just go with it. You’re still fun to be around, and you know that. Plus – chics dig emotions. Just don’t go over the top and you could really make this feelings thing work for you and the ladies.

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