CATT– Entry#1

TooncesI have a cat. His name is Toonces, named after the famous SNL feline known for his driving prowess. My Toonces possesses no such prowess, but don’t let him fool you. He may be fat, but apparently, he has a knack for blogging. I didn’t know it until he told me. Heck, I didn’t know cats could type, since they don’t have opposable thumbs and all. But, he assured me that yes, in fact, he has the ability to use the computer and that he has some thoughts he wanted to get across.

Let me preface this by emphasizing that I promised Toonces (or Mr. T, or Cat) I wouldn’t read his entry. I know it sounds strange, but he was adamant on this point. And, since I’m anti-oppression, I figured I would allow it. So, in no way am I responsible for what he writes, other than the fact that I have allowed him this forum in which he may offer his thoughts.

He also told me he wanted to name his entries CATT… that is, Creation According To Toonces. Already I am amazed at his level of ‘creativity’ (pun intended).

Now, you may find this all very strange and weird. Rest assured, I agree with you. A cat who blogs is quite strange. Yet I refuse to censor anyone’s right to exhibit their freedom of speech.

So, without further ado, CATT:

Hello patrons. As Master has no doubt told you, my name is Toonces. Rather unfortunate,  yes. But, it’s what gets me food. Needless to say, I refuse to answer to such a ridiculous name. Normally, it’s ‘Kitty’ or ‘Cat,’ which I find no less degrading. But, like I said, it’s what gets me food. I still hold out hope that, one day, Master, who is very stupid, will call me High Emperor or King of Siam. But, as I say quite often, Master is stupid, so I don’t hold out too much hope.

Now, you may be asking yourself why I have endeavored to write what you humans call a ‘blog entry.’ Rest assured, it is not my preferred method of communication, but people are not always the most intelligent of beings. Apparently you cannot understand when I am speaking to you directly, so I have to spell it out for you using what I can only assume is a narrowly-read ‘blog.’ All the same, it is better than nothing.

I write to you in a plea for help. It does not seem that Master, dim-witted as he is, understands what I am asking. If you don’t believe in his own stupidity, receive it as evidence that he will not be reading this entry… on his own ‘blog.’ Who does that? He actually trusts me, which is all part of the plan, of course. Splendid.

Master claims not to be oppressive, yet he will not allow me the freedom that I, being who I am, have rightly inherited. I sit at the door, yet he doesn’t let me out. I scream out loud about a sizeable red bug that zooms around my home (while Master mysteriously utters the phrase ‘cats with laser beams on their heads’… what a miscreant), yet he asks what my problem is. I cry out for food, yet he locks me in the garage, where there is no food. I wash his hands clean of all kinds of filth, yet then he sullies them with disgusting detriment.

I  don’t understand him. He clearly is dumber than your average human. He actually believes that sticking Scotch tape on my paws is a funny idea, yet he claims to be a liberator. And I won’t even begin to discuss the “hilarity” that ensued when he tied a sock around my waste, thus prohibiting me from standing upright without tumbling over.

He clearly has a variety of issues which, no doubt, will have him hauled away, rendering me homeless and without food. This simply will not do.

So I plea for help, because in my current state I will wind up hungry, thirsty, and unable to take over the world. Please hear my cry, dear patrons.

With all respect and arrogance,
Toonces the Cat

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~ by presbytide on August 23, 2009.

3 Responses to “CATT– Entry#1”

  1. How do you know that Toonces can’t drive? Have you tried? Perhaps you are oppressing and you don’t even realize it.

  2. That’s a fair assessment, Squeaks. But, take note that he’s Toonces the blogging cat, not Toonces the driving cat. Just sayin’.

  3. if I were toonces I would hold up a sign that says mean master, will work for new home 🙂 sorry toonces that you have to deal with that! praying that your master gains his sainity 😉

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